Goodbye (And Good Riddance)

Everything seems settled now, but when I heard the early response to Arafat's tardy but nevertheless appreciated demise, well, it sounded vaguely familiar...

(An Israeli enters Gaza, and addresses a Palestinian.)

Mr. Sharon: 'Ello, I wish to register a compliment.

(The Palestinian does not respond.)

Mr. Sharon: 'Ello, Miss?

Palestinian: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Sharon: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to offer a compliment!

Palestinian: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Sharon: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to compliment on this Arafat what I quarantined not half a decade ago during this very occupation!

Palestinian: Oh, yes, the, uh, the Palestinian Authority's leader... What's, uh, what's right with him?

Mr. Sharon: I'll tell you what's right with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's right with him!

Palestinian: No, no, 'e's uh... he's resting.

Mr. Sharon: Look, matey, I know a dead Arafat when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Palestinian: No, no, he's not dead. He's restin'! Remarkable dictator, my leader, idn'it, ay? Beautiful eyelashes!

Mr. Sharon: The eyelashes don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

Palestinian: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Sharon: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at casket) 'Ello, Mister Jackasser Arafathead! I've got a lovely fresh Jewish boy for you if you show...

(Palestinian hits the casket.)

Palestinian: There, he moved!

Mr. Sharon: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the casket!

Palestinian: I never!

Mr. Sharon: Yes, you did!

Palestinian: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Sharon (shouting and repeatedly hitting the casket): 'ELLO YASSER!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Sharon takes Arafat out of the casket and thumps his head on a bombmaker's counter, throws him up in the air, and watches him fall to the ground.)

Mr. Sharon: Now that's what I call a dead Arafat.

Palestinian: No, no... No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Sharon: STUNNED?!

Palestinian: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Glorious leaders stun easily, major.

Mr. Sharon: Um... now look... now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Arafat is definitely deceased, and when I pinned 'im not 'alf a decade ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to 'im bein' tired and shagged out expecting another raid.

Palestinian: Well, 'e's... 'e's, ah... probably pining for the Jihadis.

Mr. Sharon: PININ' for the JIHADIS?! What kind of talk is that?! Look, why did 'e fall flat on his back the moment I let 'im to Paris?

Palestinian: The Palestinian Authority prefers keepin' on its back! Remarkable leader id'nit, squire? Lovely eyelashes!

Mr. Sharon: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Arafat when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that 'e had been sitting in his office in the first place was that 'e had been PROPPED UP.

(Pause.)

Palestinian: Well, o'course he was propped up! If we hadn't had sham elections, he wouldn't let people nuzzle up to those bombs, strap 'em on with bony little arms, and BOOM! Yeahahahah!

Mr. Sharon: "BOOM"?! Mate, this tyrant wouldn't "boom" if you put four million volts through him! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Palestinian: No, no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Sharon: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Arafat is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't propped him in power 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ARAFAT!

(Adapted from this sketch)

Update: A 93-year-old provides the quote of the day: I wonder who'll get his tea-towel.